Today, we found out that our first round of IUI didn't take. I got the call while I was at work and immediately tried to go back to my desk and work, but lo and behold, my eyes wouldn't stop watering.
Up until this point, I would blame the crying on all the hormones getting pumped into my body (let's be real, weird things make me teary and the NON-crier in me is feeling way freaked out by all these new emotions) but at this point, hormones or not—I am just sad. Real tears here. No horrible hormone-induced tears (at least not alllll of them).
B and I decided we wanted to start trying for a baby a little under 3 years ago. I went off birth control and while we weren't actively tracking anything, we weren't using any type of contraceptives.
Fast forward 2 years and we start to realize that this isn't happening for us naturally. So, I go see a fertility doctor and get started on the whole infertility sha-bang.
Lots of tests, blood draws, medication, and hormonal acne have landed us to where we are now: no explained reason for our infertility (every test has come back positive), 1 clinic switch, 4 failed rounds of femara, a few months of breaks, and 1 failed IUI using clomid and an HCG trigger shot.
I don't know how much you guys know about IUI, but it's when they take Blake's sperm, wash and clean them (don't ask me HOW that even happens), and then insert them directly into my uterus. Turkey basting at it's finest. Immediately after, they put you on progesterone suppositories while you start the 2 week wait until a blood draw to see if you're pregnant or not.
A sucky part about this month's attempt at pregnancy has been the progesterone. The side effects of progesterone are the same signs of early pregnancy: sore boobs, bloating, heightened emotions, drowsiness, cravings, etc. So, you're getting all these symptoms that scream "you're pregnant!" but really, you don't know if it's just the progesterone. Of course, you try to be realistic and level-headed, but man, it's hard to not think you're pregnant when your body is changing so much. Of course, we know now that for me, all those symptoms were just side effects of the progesterone. I'm grateful that I know that going into round 2 of IUI. Those side effects gave me lots of false hope and that is making today hard.
But I think what'a hardest about this failed IUI is the stark reality that not even artificial insemenation worked for us this month. I mean, they made my follicles huge, cleaned up B's swimmers, inserted a needle full of 74 million sperm STRAIGHT INTO MY UTERUS and still, no dice. I've never considered us a couple with real infertility problems, but after today, we feel like we are there.
However, we still feel sooooo hopeful. We have 2 more rounds of IUI left before we move to IVF and we're just going to keep chugging along and enjoying this phase of life. We are so blessed and truly love our lives and each other. Luckily, these years (and especially the last 8 months) have brought us closer. Our prayers are more sincere and we're learning to really lean on each other. I know one day we'll have kids and we'll never get this time back of just Rik and B—so, we're soaking it up and being okay with some tears being shed along the way.