IVF Delayed . . .

20 minutes ago, I got a call from our doctor telling us that we have to postpone our implantation and do a frozen transfer in 7 weeks instead of the fresh transfer we were planning on in 7 days. (We were sooooo close!)

Apparently, I produced a LOT of eggs (which is amazing because we'll most likely get a lot of embryos), but my body responded TOO well to the medication, causing my estrogen levels to sky rocket. I'm at high risk for developing Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and our fresh transfer is officially off the table. 

So . . . crap. 

I'm so annoyed. 

And sad. 

And feeling a little crushed.

And way totally emotional. 

We were supposed to do the transfer in a week from today. Instead, it's going to happen 7 weeks from today. Which I know, it's not the worst thing in the world, but we've waiting a long time to get to this point of IVF and now it's suddenly pushed back a month and half?! Eternity, you guys. 7 weeks from now, we could have had 2 IVF rounds behind us. GAH!!!

Patience. I feel like I've been really good at patience up until this point but now I'm overrrr it. 

Right now,  I'm sitting in a work meeting, totally distracted and totally emotional. But that's infertility (and just trials in general). Life has to go on, regardless of bad news or not. (And regardless of all the texts coming in from Blake telling me to "just leave and go home!!!!!")

The Road to IVF

Well, we are here. We have officially started the IVF journey after 4 failed IUI attempts.

If you read my last blog post, you know that I struggled really hard with the first failed IUI—I can still picture that day (and all the emotions) perfectly. Through this whole journey, I feel like I have naturally been very positive and level-headed about it all, but man, that day was a sad one. 

Luckily, each failed IUI after that was a lot easier to handle. Thinking back, I don't think I cried at all after receiving the news of each failed attempt. As horrible as it is to say, you just get to the point where you don't let your hopes get up. You're not googling symptoms every night before bed, or counting down the days until your blood draw, and a negative pregnancy test isn't so soul crushing because hey, you've been here before! 

But now we have a new game plan (IVF) that we are so excited for and we're forging forward, full speed ahead! 

Honestly, B and I are so pumped on the idea of it all. No matter where you are in your infertility journey,  a new/different course of action is so comforting. Trying something that you haven't tried before just feels so good! 

I'd be lying if I said I'm not super worried about the repercussions of a failed IVF round. If the first failed round of IUI with it's ONE shot was hard for me to handle, I can't imagine the pain and heartache that we'll experience if the first round of IVF doesn't work. (It's so many shots and pills and suppositories and emotions and TIME!)

I try not to voice these fears, but whenever I do, B shuts them down real quick. Whenever I say "what if this doesn't work?!", he's quick to respond with a "but what if it DOES?!". 

And holy crap, that thought instantly makes us both so happy. 

So, we're chugging along—checking our IVF calendar daily, taking our pills, and making a conscious decision to be happy. We know we'll have a kid someday and we know we're doing all that we can do to make that happen. 

In the meantime, B will become a professional shot-giver and I'll continue to be baffled at the things that make me teary-eyed from all the hormones pumping through my body. 

Infertility Update

Today, we found out that our first round of IUI didn't take. I got the call while I was at work and immediately tried to go back to my desk and work, but lo and behold, my eyes wouldn't stop watering.

Up until this point, I would blame the crying on all the hormones getting pumped into my body (let's be real, weird things make me teary and the NON-crier in me is feeling way freaked out by all these new emotions) but at this point, hormones or not—I am just sad. Real tears here. No horrible hormone-induced tears (at least not alllll of them).

B and I decided we wanted to start trying for a baby a little under 3 years ago. I went off birth control and while we weren't actively tracking anything, we weren't using any type of contraceptives.

Fast forward 2 years and we start to realize that this isn't happening for us naturally. So, I go see a fertility doctor and get started on the whole infertility sha-bang.

Lots of tests, blood draws, medication, and hormonal acne have landed us to where we are now: no explained reason for our infertility (every test has come back positive), 1 clinic switch, 4 failed rounds of femara, a few months of breaks, and 1 failed IUI using clomid and an HCG trigger shot.

I don't know how much you guys know about IUI, but it's when they take Blake's sperm, wash and clean them (don't ask me HOW that even happens), and then insert them directly into my uterus. Turkey basting at it's finest. Immediately after, they put you on progesterone suppositories while you start the 2 week wait until a blood draw to see if you're pregnant or not.

A sucky part about this month's attempt at pregnancy has been the progesterone. The side effects of progesterone are the same signs of early pregnancy: sore boobs, bloating, heightened emotions, drowsiness, cravings, etc. So, you're getting all these symptoms that scream "you're pregnant!" but really, you don't know if it's just the progesterone. Of course, you try to be realistic and level-headed, but man, it's hard to not think you're pregnant when your body is changing so much. Of course, we know now that for me, all those symptoms were just side effects of the progesterone. I'm grateful that I know that going into round 2 of IUI. Those side effects gave me lots of false hope and that is making today hard.

But I think what'a hardest about this failed IUI is the stark reality that not even artificial insemenation worked for us this month. I mean, they made my follicles huge, cleaned up B's swimmers, inserted a needle full of 74 million sperm STRAIGHT INTO MY UTERUS and still, no dice. I've never considered us a couple with real infertility problems, but after today, we feel like we are there.

However, we still feel sooooo hopeful. We have 2 more rounds of IUI left before we move to IVF and we're just going to keep chugging along and enjoying this phase of life. We are so blessed and truly love our lives and each other. Luckily, these years (and especially the last 8 months) have brought us closer. Our prayers are more sincere and we're learning to really lean on each other. I know one day we'll have kids and we'll never get this time back of just Rik and B—so, we're soaking it up and being okay with some tears being shed along the way.

2017: A Year in Review

Well, another year has come and gone and I still haven't legally changed my last name yet. So, it's pretty much a failure of a year EXCEPT for a lot of great things. I'll dive right in.

1. We moved into our very first home! And have our very first loan! And pay our very first mortgage! We feel so grown-up (having to buy our own blinds and being excited for big purchases like a fridge) and it's all very exciting (and expensive) stuff! You know what sucks? Decorating for CHRISTMAS! You just want to spend alllll your money on Christmas stuff. Once we went to Home Goods and spent $300.00 and after I put everything up, me and B were both like, "Where are all the things we bought? I swear we bought way more stuff! It should have decorated 15 houses!" Lo and behold, decorating a house feels like a black hole.

2. I got a new job! It's very very bittersweet because I LOVED PROLOOK SO MUCH! I'm good friends with every single person I worked with and I miss them. But I saw a job opening to be a content marketer at BYUtv at I just applied on a whim. I got the job and have worked there for a few months and it's going good! I mean, I am a very, very small fish in a big pond (which is a lot different than it was at PROLOOK) but the hours and people are great.

3. B turned 29, which probably doesn't seem big—but that's big. How is he almost 30? That's weird and we both feel weird saying he's 29.

4. I got called to be the primary  chorister in our ward that has 12 million kids. That also doesn't seem like a big deal, but I cried when I found out. I came home, B was still in bed, I told him my new calling and he laughed so hard while I laughed/cried so hard. Ha! honestly I think it was just another thing added to my plate that at the time, seemed impossible—it's really not that bad, I think I actually like it. Never mind the fact that I am a horrible singer, (I'm known for being the only member of my family that didn't get the singing gene), but it's cool. While I'm up in front of the kids, in my head I'm thinking, "yah . . . this song does not sound good coming out my mouth" but hey, I sing loud. It's #forthechildren.

And Blake is the Young Men's 2nd counselor, which I feel like should always be his calling, he's so good with those kids!

5. We opened 2 new studios this year! One in Vineyard and one in South Provo. SO, if you are in the market for a non-competition dance studio for your littles, HIT UP JIVE! And the concert planning for Riverton and Orem studios is in full swing and it's the most horrible/most exciting time of the year! I have a love/hate relationship with all of it, but mostly love the challenge of it all.

6. We finally upgraded to a king sized mattress—which, we were way pumped about. But if we're being honest here, I haven't even noticed a real difference. B and I are major snugglers, so the extra space? It feels like whatever. But I'm sure the occasional nights when I get restless leg syndrome will feel way better as B won't try to murder me in my sleep from moving and stretching and kicking my legs (and him) every 5 seconds.

7. We've watched more of "The Office" this year than any other year. Man, we love this show. This time around, B got really sad when Micheal Scott left. It was weird and he didn't want to watch it for a few weeks, but we are back on schedule and watch it every night before bed. It definitely beats all the boring documentaries that B loves to watch before going to bed.

5 major (like, life-changing!) things that have happened in the Sanford home this past year.

A lot has happened in our little Sanford lives since I last blogged. A lot meaning, a lot! And not just little changes, big ol' hunkin huge changes. Which - for us, have been the best kind. So here we go...

 

1. I opened a dance studio.

It was 2 weeks before NBA Jazz tryouts when my current business partner and I met up and we decided to go for it - to expand Jive and open up another location. Her and I had been talking for years about opening another studio but never did, and all of the sudden, there were some driving factors/unexpected experiences (divine intervention?) that just pushed me and her to just go for it. Thus, Riverton Jive was born! Looking back, it was all very stressful and happened so fast. I remember being so stressed because I wanted to dance for the Jazz for one more season and I couldn’t decide what to do! But, B and I went to the temple, talked to each other and all the people we could for advice and ultimately decided that this business opportunity held a lot more potential than just one more season with the NBA. We also figured that if it was a complete fluke – there was no better time for us to live and learn. We opened the studio in about 3 months and I’m so glad we bit the bullet and did it! It's been one of the most rewarding decisions I have ever made. It's crazy to think that dance has played such a big role in my life. I never imagined it to. If you ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never said dancer or dance teacher (or studio owner), I don’t know why! Maybe I just always knew dance would play a role in my life and it didn’t need to be said. Or maybe life just has different plans for you than you have for yourself, I DON’T KNOW! But I’ve never been so happy – working my booty off and seeing the results. I’ve also met so many incredible people because of the Riverton studio and that alone has been so rewarding.

 

2. B graduated.

It felt like a million years, but he did it! He graduated with a degree in Biology and we have both never been so happy that he's done. School was something painful for that guy. It makes us both laugh when we talk about it! Like, we’ll be watching a movie on Sunday night and randomly B will say, “I DON’T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK TO DO!” and then I say “YIPEEEE” and then we fist bump. Me? Sometimes I miss school. B? He’s never ever ever going to miss school. But he finished strong (with high honors) (what?) and I’m so proud of him.

 3. We are building a house!

We decided it's time to move out of the parent’s basement apartment - though we love it so much! We actually LOVE living there and are so grateful for parents who are the best landlords ever. Our house will be done sometime this winter, so we'll be soaking up all the movies and tv shows in their theater room, basking in the cheap rent, and cherishing their stocked pantry until we move out. Also, I've been documenting the whole thing on a different IG account if you want to follow along. @i.heart.blake

4. B is no longer going to dental school. 

This, to me, is the biggest, most exciting change! For as long as I have known B, he has said he is going to be a dentist. And to be 100% candid - it wasn't so much about cleaning people's teeth or a passion for cavities as it was the lifestyle and job security. However, as we approached the time to take the DAT and start applying - we both had several moments and feelings of "holy cow is this REALLY what you want to do?", it just didn't feel good - to either of us. But we had been planning on this for years!!! (!!!) We prayed a lot, we talked a lot (to each other and to our family and close friends), B made a list of things that are most important in life and we went to the temple. During our time of deciding what to pursue in life, we had a sliiiiightly bizarre experience in the temple one night while we were cleaning it. It 100% solidified the decision to not go to dental school and we haven't looked back since. You guys, it feels so good and right. It altered our next 4 years by 180 degrees. No dental school, no debt, we decided to settle into Utah and buy a house, and B has started his career in something that he's passionate about - business (more specifically Property Management). I'll admit, it was really scary changing our Plan A, especially when we didn't have a Plan B. But it's weird how life plays out and this time, it 100% worked to our advantage and we feel soooooooo lucky and blessed that we ended up where we did and that we're so happy about it. Plus he has to wear all these fancy clothes to work now and I basically LOVE him every time I see him leave and come home from work!  

5. We’ve officially been married for 4 years!

Which also marks my one year of not blogging (wah-wah-wahhhhh.) If you’re wondering, I still didn’t change my last name. CURSE ME AND MY LACK OF MAKING IT A PRIORITY. Anyway, 4 years has been so great and I think we’d both agree that this past year has been our best year, no doubt. Now, a tangent. When I was in college, I remember seeing a cute couple posting on Instagram saying it was their 3^rd anniversary, and because I was a perfect product of the “Utah bubble”, I remember wondering why they didn’t have any kids yet! So, when I was posting about our 4^th anniversary, I thought, “I bet people think we’re infertile or something!” To be honest, it has NEVER bothered me when people ask about our baby situation – I know it can be a sensitive subject to others because it’s “no one’s business”, but I think when people ask, it comes from a place of general curiosity (it’s human nature to just want to be informed!) So, here I am…informing you. We had lots of baby talks this year and we’re both warming up to the idea. So there you go J 

So there's the top 5 highlights of my life since last blogging. The new Facebook memories feature keeps showing me my old blog posts and it’s makes me so happy to go back and read them (and it's totally motivating me to blog more and continue to document my life.) So, I’m going to try so hard to keep journaling here on this little corner of the internet - even if it is just once a year!

Also, I changed the name of the blog to “sanfordandstuff.blogspot.com” because I got really scared that one day I’d forget to pay for the “onthereals.com” domain and lose everything. Plus, who wants to pay for a domain for the rest of their life when the “blogspot.com” is free?! Also, back in the day I totally thought that having a .com made me cool. But bringing back the blogspot.com actually felt really great. Like, "rik, your blog isn't going to make you famous and people won't judge you if you you don't have a legit domain and the real reason for this blog is to journal your life and honestly the  number of people who read it adds no real value and validation to your life" type of great. You feel me? I wish my college freshman self realized that. 

I'm over and out my friends! Hopefully we're both here before my 5 year anniversary :) 

3 years - we did it, ah yeeaah.

About a day before our 3rd year anniversary, I heard B say to multiple people on different accounts...

"I told her that if we made it to 3 years, I'd stick with her forever. So she better not mess anything up in the next 24 hours!"

And it made me laugh a lot. 

One, because never has he ever said that to me, ever. Idk where it even came from! 

The first time I heard him say it - it really really made me laugh.

And two, because I think a person or two took him literally and lo and behold...heartless B. 

But luckily for me, I didn't screw anything up. 

Now we've been married for 3 years. 

And now he will apparently stick with me forever :)

But really, 3 years - it's been so good. 

B follows GoogleFacts on Twitter and one said something about how studies show that couples are happiest in their 3rd year of marriage. 

He goes, "Rik!" *shows me the tweet*, *then fist bumps me* and inside we both are like, "ah yeeeaah".

*SIDE NOTE*

B and I love to scare each other. 

Well actually, B loves to scare me and I attempt to get him back. 

Whenever I get home before B, he always scares the crizapp out of me when I'm in the shower. 

Soooo....the other night, I came home and I heard the shower going in our bathroom. 

Obviously I had to scare him, so I run into the bathroom, grab a water bottle, throw open the shower curtain, throw the water on him and yell, "WAAHHHH!!".

Except. he. wasn't. in. the. freaking. shower. 

He jumps out of the toilet room behind me and screams "WAH!" at me.

So me, I'm like "WAHHH!" at him in the shower but then a real life "WAHHHHH" of pure terror right after because of him scaring me.

We laughed so hard for so long! 

It was all a set up that I completely fell for and am totally ashamed of.

Cross your fingers that in my "4 year" blog post I can tell a successful story of me scaring Blake.

Also, pray that in my "4 year" blog post, I'll have my name legally changed. 

Before you go and make any assumptions about me being lazy or having committal issues to marriage, hear this. 

In my free time last week, I scrubbed the fridge and freezer head to toe. 

I could have gotten my name legally changed in that time - but then my fridge would still be dirty. 

That's called prioritizing.

Unfortunately, changing my name has been at the bottom of the list for a long time. But it's slowly making it's way towards the top!

I think "buy a new car", "make a baby", "go back to Romania", "move out of my parents house", "wait for B to graduate", "do my laundry", "clean our closet", "make dinner" etc. is on the list before "change my name legally". 

So pray that year 3 of marriage is BIG so that I can legally and one day finally become an official "Sanford".

Also, B doesn't wear his ring because it drives him bonkers to wear jewelry. 

I don't get my name changed because I hate the DMV, bank, and all things that involve "line waiting". 

No ring? I don't mind. No name change? He doesn't care.

That's called compromise. 

Also, my name is changed on FB and Insta and Email - what else really matters?

Not your business documents, college graduate certificate, drivers license, credit card, debit cards, church records, etc. Nope - not important. 

*END SIDE NOTE*

Anyway, I highly recommend marriage to anyone and everyone. And I'm really truly sorry that 

Blake Sanford is already taken, or else I would also highly recommend 

marrying B-Money.

And B! I know you're reading this!

Thanks for being the very best person for me.

You're the most supportive, caring, smart and hilarious person I know.

We go together. 

you know?

 like, rama lama lama, ka dignity ding da dong.

(HA! Jk - but thanks for watching all 3 hours of Grease Live with me). 

I love you SO freaking much!

Times five.

Plus infinity.