Infertility Update

Today, we found out that our first round of IUI didn't take. I got the call while I was at work and immediately tried to go back to my desk and work, but lo and behold, my eyes wouldn't stop watering.

Up until this point, I would blame the crying on all the hormones getting pumped into my body (let's be real, weird things make me teary and the NON-crier in me is feeling way freaked out by all these new emotions) but at this point, hormones or not—I am just sad. Real tears here. No horrible hormone-induced tears (at least not alllll of them).

B and I decided we wanted to start trying for a baby a little under 3 years ago. I went off birth control and while we weren't actively tracking anything, we weren't using any type of contraceptives.

Fast forward 2 years and we start to realize that this isn't happening for us naturally. So, I go see a fertility doctor and get started on the whole infertility sha-bang.

Lots of tests, blood draws, medication, and hormonal acne have landed us to where we are now: no explained reason for our infertility (every test has come back positive), 1 clinic switch, 4 failed rounds of femara, a few months of breaks, and 1 failed IUI using clomid and an HCG trigger shot.

I don't know how much you guys know about IUI, but it's when they take Blake's sperm, wash and clean them (don't ask me HOW that even happens), and then insert them directly into my uterus. Turkey basting at it's finest. Immediately after, they put you on progesterone suppositories while you start the 2 week wait until a blood draw to see if you're pregnant or not.

A sucky part about this month's attempt at pregnancy has been the progesterone. The side effects of progesterone are the same signs of early pregnancy: sore boobs, bloating, heightened emotions, drowsiness, cravings, etc. So, you're getting all these symptoms that scream "you're pregnant!" but really, you don't know if it's just the progesterone. Of course, you try to be realistic and level-headed, but man, it's hard to not think you're pregnant when your body is changing so much. Of course, we know now that for me, all those symptoms were just side effects of the progesterone. I'm grateful that I know that going into round 2 of IUI. Those side effects gave me lots of false hope and that is making today hard.

But I think what'a hardest about this failed IUI is the stark reality that not even artificial insemenation worked for us this month. I mean, they made my follicles huge, cleaned up B's swimmers, inserted a needle full of 74 million sperm STRAIGHT INTO MY UTERUS and still, no dice. I've never considered us a couple with real infertility problems, but after today, we feel like we are there.

However, we still feel sooooo hopeful. We have 2 more rounds of IUI left before we move to IVF and we're just going to keep chugging along and enjoying this phase of life. We are so blessed and truly love our lives and each other. Luckily, these years (and especially the last 8 months) have brought us closer. Our prayers are more sincere and we're learning to really lean on each other. I know one day we'll have kids and we'll never get this time back of just Rik and B—so, we're soaking it up and being okay with some tears being shed along the way.

2017: A Year in Review

Well, another year has come and gone and I still haven't legally changed my last name yet. So, it's pretty much a failure of a year EXCEPT for a lot of great things. I'll dive right in.

1. We moved into our very first home! And have our very first loan! And pay our very first mortgage! We feel so grown-up (having to buy our own blinds and being excited for big purchases like a fridge) and it's all very exciting (and expensive) stuff! You know what sucks? Decorating for CHRISTMAS! You just want to spend alllll your money on Christmas stuff. Once we went to Home Goods and spent $300.00 and after I put everything up, me and B were both like, "Where are all the things we bought? I swear we bought way more stuff! It should have decorated 15 houses!" Lo and behold, decorating a house feels like a black hole.

2. I got a new job! It's very very bittersweet because I LOVED PROLOOK SO MUCH! I'm good friends with every single person I worked with and I miss them. But I saw a job opening to be a content marketer at BYUtv at I just applied on a whim. I got the job and have worked there for a few months and it's going good! I mean, I am a very, very small fish in a big pond (which is a lot different than it was at PROLOOK) but the hours and people are great.

3. B turned 29, which probably doesn't seem big—but that's big. How is he almost 30? That's weird and we both feel weird saying he's 29.

4. I got called to be the primary  chorister in our ward that has 12 million kids. That also doesn't seem like a big deal, but I cried when I found out. I came home, B was still in bed, I told him my new calling and he laughed so hard while I laughed/cried so hard. Ha! honestly I think it was just another thing added to my plate that at the time, seemed impossible—it's really not that bad, I think I actually like it. Never mind the fact that I am a horrible singer, (I'm known for being the only member of my family that didn't get the singing gene), but it's cool. While I'm up in front of the kids, in my head I'm thinking, "yah . . . this song does not sound good coming out my mouth" but hey, I sing loud. It's #forthechildren.

And Blake is the Young Men's 2nd counselor, which I feel like should always be his calling, he's so good with those kids!

5. We opened 2 new studios this year! One in Vineyard and one in South Provo. SO, if you are in the market for a non-competition dance studio for your littles, HIT UP JIVE! And the concert planning for Riverton and Orem studios is in full swing and it's the most horrible/most exciting time of the year! I have a love/hate relationship with all of it, but mostly love the challenge of it all.

6. We finally upgraded to a king sized mattress—which, we were way pumped about. But if we're being honest here, I haven't even noticed a real difference. B and I are major snugglers, so the extra space? It feels like whatever. But I'm sure the occasional nights when I get restless leg syndrome will feel way better as B won't try to murder me in my sleep from moving and stretching and kicking my legs (and him) every 5 seconds.

7. We've watched more of "The Office" this year than any other year. Man, we love this show. This time around, B got really sad when Micheal Scott left. It was weird and he didn't want to watch it for a few weeks, but we are back on schedule and watch it every night before bed. It definitely beats all the boring documentaries that B loves to watch before going to bed.

5 major (like, life-changing!) things that have happened in the Sanford home this past year.

A lot has happened in our little Sanford lives since I last blogged. A lot meaning, a lot! And not just little changes, big ol' hunkin huge changes. Which - for us, have been the best kind. So here we go...

 

1. I opened a dance studio.

It was 2 weeks before NBA Jazz tryouts when my current business partner and I met up and we decided to go for it - to expand Jive and open up another location. Her and I had been talking for years about opening another studio but never did, and all of the sudden, there were some driving factors/unexpected experiences (divine intervention?) that just pushed me and her to just go for it. Thus, Riverton Jive was born! Looking back, it was all very stressful and happened so fast. I remember being so stressed because I wanted to dance for the Jazz for one more season and I couldn’t decide what to do! But, B and I went to the temple, talked to each other and all the people we could for advice and ultimately decided that this business opportunity held a lot more potential than just one more season with the NBA. We also figured that if it was a complete fluke – there was no better time for us to live and learn. We opened the studio in about 3 months and I’m so glad we bit the bullet and did it! It's been one of the most rewarding decisions I have ever made. It's crazy to think that dance has played such a big role in my life. I never imagined it to. If you ever asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never said dancer or dance teacher (or studio owner), I don’t know why! Maybe I just always knew dance would play a role in my life and it didn’t need to be said. Or maybe life just has different plans for you than you have for yourself, I DON’T KNOW! But I’ve never been so happy – working my booty off and seeing the results. I’ve also met so many incredible people because of the Riverton studio and that alone has been so rewarding.

 

2. B graduated.

It felt like a million years, but he did it! He graduated with a degree in Biology and we have both never been so happy that he's done. School was something painful for that guy. It makes us both laugh when we talk about it! Like, we’ll be watching a movie on Sunday night and randomly B will say, “I DON’T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK TO DO!” and then I say “YIPEEEE” and then we fist bump. Me? Sometimes I miss school. B? He’s never ever ever going to miss school. But he finished strong (with high honors) (what?) and I’m so proud of him.

 3. We are building a house!

We decided it's time to move out of the parent’s basement apartment - though we love it so much! We actually LOVE living there and are so grateful for parents who are the best landlords ever. Our house will be done sometime this winter, so we'll be soaking up all the movies and tv shows in their theater room, basking in the cheap rent, and cherishing their stocked pantry until we move out. Also, I've been documenting the whole thing on a different IG account if you want to follow along. @i.heart.blake

4. B is no longer going to dental school. 

This, to me, is the biggest, most exciting change! For as long as I have known B, he has said he is going to be a dentist. And to be 100% candid - it wasn't so much about cleaning people's teeth or a passion for cavities as it was the lifestyle and job security. However, as we approached the time to take the DAT and start applying - we both had several moments and feelings of "holy cow is this REALLY what you want to do?", it just didn't feel good - to either of us. But we had been planning on this for years!!! (!!!) We prayed a lot, we talked a lot (to each other and to our family and close friends), B made a list of things that are most important in life and we went to the temple. During our time of deciding what to pursue in life, we had a sliiiiightly bizarre experience in the temple one night while we were cleaning it. It 100% solidified the decision to not go to dental school and we haven't looked back since. You guys, it feels so good and right. It altered our next 4 years by 180 degrees. No dental school, no debt, we decided to settle into Utah and buy a house, and B has started his career in something that he's passionate about - business (more specifically Property Management). I'll admit, it was really scary changing our Plan A, especially when we didn't have a Plan B. But it's weird how life plays out and this time, it 100% worked to our advantage and we feel soooooooo lucky and blessed that we ended up where we did and that we're so happy about it. Plus he has to wear all these fancy clothes to work now and I basically LOVE him every time I see him leave and come home from work!  

5. We’ve officially been married for 4 years!

Which also marks my one year of not blogging (wah-wah-wahhhhh.) If you’re wondering, I still didn’t change my last name. CURSE ME AND MY LACK OF MAKING IT A PRIORITY. Anyway, 4 years has been so great and I think we’d both agree that this past year has been our best year, no doubt. Now, a tangent. When I was in college, I remember seeing a cute couple posting on Instagram saying it was their 3^rd anniversary, and because I was a perfect product of the “Utah bubble”, I remember wondering why they didn’t have any kids yet! So, when I was posting about our 4^th anniversary, I thought, “I bet people think we’re infertile or something!” To be honest, it has NEVER bothered me when people ask about our baby situation – I know it can be a sensitive subject to others because it’s “no one’s business”, but I think when people ask, it comes from a place of general curiosity (it’s human nature to just want to be informed!) So, here I am…informing you. We had lots of baby talks this year and we’re both warming up to the idea. So there you go J 

So there's the top 5 highlights of my life since last blogging. The new Facebook memories feature keeps showing me my old blog posts and it’s makes me so happy to go back and read them (and it's totally motivating me to blog more and continue to document my life.) So, I’m going to try so hard to keep journaling here on this little corner of the internet - even if it is just once a year!

Also, I changed the name of the blog to “sanfordandstuff.blogspot.com” because I got really scared that one day I’d forget to pay for the “onthereals.com” domain and lose everything. Plus, who wants to pay for a domain for the rest of their life when the “blogspot.com” is free?! Also, back in the day I totally thought that having a .com made me cool. But bringing back the blogspot.com actually felt really great. Like, "rik, your blog isn't going to make you famous and people won't judge you if you you don't have a legit domain and the real reason for this blog is to journal your life and honestly the  number of people who read it adds no real value and validation to your life" type of great. You feel me? I wish my college freshman self realized that. 

I'm over and out my friends! Hopefully we're both here before my 5 year anniversary :) 

3 years - we did it, ah yeeaah.

About a day before our 3rd year anniversary, I heard B say to multiple people on different accounts...

"I told her that if we made it to 3 years, I'd stick with her forever. So she better not mess anything up in the next 24 hours!"

And it made me laugh a lot. 

One, because never has he ever said that to me, ever. Idk where it even came from! 

The first time I heard him say it - it really really made me laugh.

And two, because I think a person or two took him literally and lo and behold...heartless B. 

But luckily for me, I didn't screw anything up. 

Now we've been married for 3 years. 

And now he will apparently stick with me forever :)

But really, 3 years - it's been so good. 

B follows GoogleFacts on Twitter and one said something about how studies show that couples are happiest in their 3rd year of marriage. 

He goes, "Rik!" *shows me the tweet*, *then fist bumps me* and inside we both are like, "ah yeeeaah".

*SIDE NOTE*

B and I love to scare each other. 

Well actually, B loves to scare me and I attempt to get him back. 

Whenever I get home before B, he always scares the crizapp out of me when I'm in the shower. 

Soooo....the other night, I came home and I heard the shower going in our bathroom. 

Obviously I had to scare him, so I run into the bathroom, grab a water bottle, throw open the shower curtain, throw the water on him and yell, "WAAHHHH!!".

Except. he. wasn't. in. the. freaking. shower. 

He jumps out of the toilet room behind me and screams "WAH!" at me.

So me, I'm like "WAHHH!" at him in the shower but then a real life "WAHHHHH" of pure terror right after because of him scaring me.

We laughed so hard for so long! 

It was all a set up that I completely fell for and am totally ashamed of.

Cross your fingers that in my "4 year" blog post I can tell a successful story of me scaring Blake.

Also, pray that in my "4 year" blog post, I'll have my name legally changed. 

Before you go and make any assumptions about me being lazy or having committal issues to marriage, hear this. 

In my free time last week, I scrubbed the fridge and freezer head to toe. 

I could have gotten my name legally changed in that time - but then my fridge would still be dirty. 

That's called prioritizing.

Unfortunately, changing my name has been at the bottom of the list for a long time. But it's slowly making it's way towards the top!

I think "buy a new car", "make a baby", "go back to Romania", "move out of my parents house", "wait for B to graduate", "do my laundry", "clean our closet", "make dinner" etc. is on the list before "change my name legally". 

So pray that year 3 of marriage is BIG so that I can legally and one day finally become an official "Sanford".

Also, B doesn't wear his ring because it drives him bonkers to wear jewelry. 

I don't get my name changed because I hate the DMV, bank, and all things that involve "line waiting". 

No ring? I don't mind. No name change? He doesn't care.

That's called compromise. 

Also, my name is changed on FB and Insta and Email - what else really matters?

Not your business documents, college graduate certificate, drivers license, credit card, debit cards, church records, etc. Nope - not important. 

*END SIDE NOTE*

Anyway, I highly recommend marriage to anyone and everyone. And I'm really truly sorry that 

Blake Sanford is already taken, or else I would also highly recommend 

marrying B-Money.

And B! I know you're reading this!

Thanks for being the very best person for me.

You're the most supportive, caring, smart and hilarious person I know.

We go together. 

you know?

 like, rama lama lama, ka dignity ding da dong.

(HA! Jk - but thanks for watching all 3 hours of Grease Live with me). 

I love you SO freaking much!

Times five.

Plus infinity. 

On being a Utah Jazz Dancer.

My intent was to blog about dancing in the NBA whiiiile it was actually happening.

BUT here we are.

Like, way too long after it actually happened.

So I'm just going to do an overview, cliffnotes style, if you will.

And I might be more candid and honest than I should be. 

But let's face it, there were things I LOVED and HATED about the experience and I want to remember it all. 

Also, I remember when I was thinking about trying out and googling anything and everything that would maybe give me a glimpse into what I was getting myself in to.

There's not a whole lot. 

So if you're thinking about trying out, maybe this will help you a little. 

Here's a list of all the things I was unprepared for, good and bad.
Also, as a disclaimer, this is all based on my own personal experience. AKA: all my thoughts and opinions are just mine and no one else's!
So there's that.  :)

1. The physical exhaustion. 

Honestly, I was prepared to be physically exhausted, but not to this extent. Practices are 4 hours long and they start with a work out. I thought I was in-shape, until I had to work out with the Jazz Dancers. I remember the very first practice we had, I had to talk to myself mentally through the whole thing. No joke. I was like, "you can do this", "only 4 more circuits", "maybe sing the national anthem to make time go faster". And then after the work out, you dance and you dance hard. There's rarley down time during practice. But luckily, your body gets stronger. I would dread practice at the beginning of the season, and eventually it became no big thing.

2. The mental exhaustion. 

You learn about 40 routines throughout the season. Practices mainly consisted of learning multiple dances in one night. It wasn't rare where we would learn a dance and perform it the next night. And it's a way scary thing having to perform numbers that AREN'T in your muscle memory and having to think hard during the whole performance. OOOOOH my brain was so fried all season. Not to mention, a lot of the dances were so similiar! So many times I would be practicing back stage, do a move, and start going into a completely difference dance. Panic mode - activated.

3. The pay.

I don't think I can disclose how much they make, BUT we did get paid for all practices, games, and appearances. Way more than I thought (I read online that dancers only make $50.00/game and that's it). So that was a pleasant surprise.

4. The perks. 

There's not a lot. So that was a sad surprise. No free tickets? B cried. 

5. The weigh-ins.

They happen once a month and they never tell you when they are going to be. Those sucked. I remember not eating a whole lot when I THOUGHT we would be having weigh-ins, and also trying to pee a whole lot as well. (it was the worst thing when I was wrong, cause then I was running on not enough food at practice). Honestly, I never once left a weigh-in feeling like a baller. More like I needed to grab an exercise ball and do 1,000 sit-ups. I was told to lose 5 lbs. That never happened. I think I actually ended up gaining weight from the muscle I was building with all the work outs.

(just a side note: people are usually really surprised when I tell them that we have weigh-ins, like "how could they!?". But let's get real. Our job is to dance and be fit. Of course they are going to monitor our bodies closely. Not that that makes it suck any less, but I guess it just makes sense in my brain.)

6. The intensity. 

Usually if you screw up in a dance in a concert or something, it's not a huge deal. Screw up on the court, in front of 20,000 people, on the jumbotron? You're toast. The coach doesn't let mistakes fly, and basically you want to die if she saw you mess up. Just take my word for it that it's NO BUENO.

7. The friends. 

Truly, the best part about the Jazz. I made so many life long friends through this journey that I am SO grateful for. During my season, there was no drama and we all got along really well. Everyone was so sweet and loving and I LOVED IT!!!

8. Feeling like a piece of meat. 

It happened. They want you to look good and sexy and available. Didn't love that. I also wasn't allowed to wear my wedding ring, which also made me not happy. But it's just part of the whole thing!

9. The makeup. 

At my first game, I feel like I caked the makeup on, like CAKED. Then my coach looked at me and said I needed more. I was like, "more?! but HOW?!". I'm such a dummy when it comes to makeup. Like truly. Even to this day, contouring and highlighting is such a foreign thing to me. But I did learn a thing or two and my eyebrows have never looked better. 

10. Game day. 

It's an event. We get there early, practice on the court with the basketball players (while trying to avoid their flying basketballs), then dinner, then we get our hair done and do our makeup, then we warm up, then we greet and make appearances to the suites, then we dance. It's a long day, but also really really fun.

11. The driving. 

Practice was held about an hour away from my home. Being late is unacceptable (even getting in a car wreck isn't a valid excuse ?!?!?!?!), so we would leave way early. The arena is 45 minutes away - we would also leave way early for that. Seriously I felt like I drove SO MUCH. But I had a bomb carpool and some of the best memories of being a Jazz Dancer happened during all our car rides. Belle, Alex, Dano...I love you so much!

12. The costumes.

We have so many costumes! I totally wasn't expecting that. And they are cute. LOVED THAT.

13. The modesty.

I don't know about you, but as a dancer, I expect to be wearing spanks and tank tops and shorter skirts/dresses. It's just part of the deal.  However, if you look at other NBA teams, they wear crop tops that show lots of belly and lots of cleavage. Dancing for the Jazz, if it shows too much mid-drift, we aren't allowed to wear it. I remember we wore this way cute yellow hoodie for a dance and on some people it showed too much of their stomach, so we weren't allowed to wear it again. The modesty - some people love and some people hate. I for one, appreciated it.

14. Being a "rookie".
If it's your first year, you're called a "rookie" like, all the time.  Rookies are usually always in the back of dances and you're basically under a microscope all season. The worst moment of the season was when we had learned a dance the night before (that the Veterans already knew) and we weren't told that we would be performing it the next day at the game. During our practice, right before the game, I remember the coach telling the rookies to get on the basketball floor and do the dance for her and the Vets. I think a few swear words were said in my mind. Mostly just, "holy shoot, holy shoot" over and over  :) We basically got roasted cuz we didn't know the dance and I remember being so stressed because we were getting yelled at AND we had to have the dance perfected by the 4th quarter. Basically being a rookie sucked on that day.
But the veterans are so nice, and the captain was so so sweet. They help you all season and really make you feel welcomed on the team.

15. Performing.
At the beginning of the season, I hated performing.  It was so dang scary! Plus you didn't know if you were going to get busted after the performance for being out of line, or messing up, or whatever.  But after doing it a few times, it became the best thing ever.  Performing in front of so many people gives you a high that can't really be explained! As the season goes on, you get better at remembering the dances and the coach's comments turn from criticism to praise. This is the thing I'm going to miss the MOST. Performing on the NBA floor.

16. Throwing out prizes.
During the 4th quarter, we get these little jazz balls and we throw them out to the crowd.  I was NOT prepared at how BAD I was going to be at that.  Hahahaha after my first game, B said, "Awesome job baby! Now...let's go work on your throwing skills."  :)  I quickly learned to NOT point at the person I was going to throw it to.  I had too many embarrassing experiences where I would point to the person, nod my head at them, throw the ball, and have it go in the completely wrong direction.
 *face palm*

17. Getting makeovers.
Such a fun AND scary part of being on the Jazz.
At the beginning of the season, they give you a hair makeover and give you some makeup that goes with your skin type and coloring.
When it comes to your hair makeover, you don't have much say.
I remember just standing in front of the coach and our hair stylist and they were like, "I don't like her blonde, let's take her dark brown...and she needs a trim."
And then you just kind of walk away and that's it! You show up to your hair appointment and they do what they want!
They cut off a TON of my hair, which made me sooooo sad. But it could have been worse!
They gave some girls bangs, some go more red, some get extensions, etc, (one chick got her hair chopped and dyed blonde!)
It's fun to see everyone after their hair makeover and it totally reminded me of an episode off of America's Next Top Model. You feel me?!

And really, that's all I can think of right now.  It was a great experience and I'm glad I did it!  Mostly because of the friends I made and being able to perform, but also because it taught me to be confident in myself, go out of my comfort zone, to make new friends and to try new things!

One more thing!
I think there's a stereotype that comes with being an NBA dancer.
Like, idk, "pretty, but dumb" (???) Maybe?!
Anyway, that is SO. NOT. TRUE.
On the Jazz, a lot of us were graduated, there were people with a masters degree, a nurse, a mom, an accountant, girls moving on to grad school, etc.
I guess all I'm saying is that this group of girls are AMAZING and not just at dancing, but in tons of other aspects of life as well.

Ah! One more thing!
I was fully planning on trying out again for a 2nd season.
But life has different plans and I ended up opening a dance studio instead (!!)
Next stop? baby time. 

HBD Lush!

Yesterday my BFF turned 24.

We're slowly getting old and it's freaking us out. 

But whatevs. 

One day we'll have ten kids and wrinkles and bomb lives with 50 years behind us and we won't even care how old we are. 

Yesterday, B and I had to give Lush a lesson on fractions and multiplication and it just made me so happy for some reason.

B: So what's two times two?

Lush: Four.

B: WHAT?!

Lush: I meant five. 

Ya,  Lush is growing up...but she still needs my help with simple math, so we're basically still those girls that found each other in 4th grade and were instant besties.

Happy birthday, baby girl! I love you!